The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an  early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight   away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.


  The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man   to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.


  The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of   his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a   check for $960,000.


  When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to   measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to the   bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that perhaps the   Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks   the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the   pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the   medical officer to do the measuring.


  The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ‘em. He did.

  The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and

  began to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”


  “The general replied, “In Vietnam.”






> After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from

> the helicopter and onto the White House lawn.  He was carrying two

> Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm.  At the bottom of the

> steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said,

> “Fine looking pigs, sir!”


> Clinton turned and glared at the boy.  “Son, don’t you know I’m

> from Arkansas?  These ain’t pigs.  They’re hawgs.”


> The Marine shot back, “Marine begs the COMMANDER IN CHIEF’S

> pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!”


> Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed.


> The President went on, “Thank you, son.  You see this one here?”

> He lifted up the pig under his right arm.  “I got this one for

> Chelsea.”

> Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. “And this one here, I

> got for  Hillary.”


> At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said,

> “Outstanding trade, sir!”