>>Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named

> >> FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in

Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do

it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the

beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges

(NativeTexans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they

told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: "A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick."

JUDGE TWO: "Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

" FRANK: "Holy sh**, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

Hope that's the worst one.These Texans are crazy!"

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: "Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang."

JUDGE TWO: "Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously."

FRANK: "Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers

when they saw the look on my face."

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: "Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans."

JUDGE TWO: "A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

" FRANK: "Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid

pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

I'm getting shit-faced."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: "Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing."

JUDGE TWO: "Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili."

FRANK: "I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste

it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that

300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,just like this nuclear-waste I'm


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding

considerable kick. Very impressive."

JUDGE TWO: "Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement."

FRANK: "My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted

and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended

when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my

tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It

really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

F*** those rednecks! '

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: "Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice

and peppers."

JUDGE TWO: "The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.


FRANK: "My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric

flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I

need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!"

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: "A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers."

JUDGE TWO: "Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge

Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing


FRANK: "You could put a f***ing grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili

which slid unnoticed outof my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to

match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed

me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. F*** it, I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,I'll just suck it in through the 4

inch hole in my stomach."

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: "A perfect ending, this is a nice bland chili, safe for all, not

too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence."

JUDGE TWO: "This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,

fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

make it or not. Poor Yankee."

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)