Ok folks, I
have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my
TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating
houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng
shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the
urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the
culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code :
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only
because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a
natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live,
but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I
salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have
several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2
endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some
is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming
a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such
as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper
accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird
dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay
you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed
up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal
himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a
Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail,
or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully
ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with
fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just
plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them
have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or
throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are
not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets
in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant
woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat
to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats
with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the
acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious
healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars,
car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over
or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on
a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever
it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any
elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man
will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will
always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person
deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something
stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing
things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.